Adultary, affair, cheating, infidelity - Tips

Realize an affair is something else then a relationship
When you are in an affair, you can have the feeling that his person is giving you exactly what you long for so much. And you believe that your own partner is not able to do that.

Realize that this is always happening in an adulterous relating. Within an affair it is much easier to express what you need (in the time that you see each other) then within a long lasting relationship.

In every relationship there comes a point where the other is not able to give you certain things. Those are challenges. Realize that the one you are having an affair with, does not have a longlasting relationship with you and that this point is not reached.

An affair does not have to be the end of your relationship. An affair could potentially be the deepening of the relation, when there is the readiness to look at the why and how.

To learn to leave the place of pain, leave the detective-role and learn to talk again about the how and why the agreements you once made were exceeded, can be a step towards a new, more adult phase in your relationship.

An affair does not always have to imply a bad relationship. But the relating with a third person often has a big impact on the relationship.

Be patient before taking a decision. Take responsibility, be curious about the other and when you don't find a solution together: seek help!

When you found out that your partner cheated on you, it can feel like you were run over by a truck three times.

Take good care of yourself the coming time. That means, besides talking about it, also doing things that make you feel relaxed. Go outside, eat healthy, try and get enough sleep and keep doing things that normally would make you happy.

An affair is always a signal that something is lacking in your relation. Whatever judgments you might have on that signal, it is also a chance. It never starts with that third person, it is always the alarm bell.

The fact is there that someone was able to come between you. And that is only possible when the distance between you had become too big.

Now it is up to you to make that distance smaller again. That is a choice. That is a chance.

An affair often gives an insight on what you feel is lacking in your relationship or your own life. Find out if you can fulfill this need within your relationship or your life.

Communication is the keyword. Communicate honestly about what has been bothering you or is still bothering you. Don't avoid conflicts or painful subjects.

Should I share what has happened with others or not? Before you share your story with someone, ask yourself why you want to do that. What do you hope to achieve with it? What do you aim for? Often you are looking for the support of the other and luckily this is often there.

But realize that people can also respond different then you would expect. They can also be rejecting and judgmental. You do not owe anybody anything, also not your best friends. Only each other.

Infidelity touches relationship in safety and trust. When safety and trust are touched, people often feel deeply hurt. That is difficult to carry.

As an answer to the pain, different coping mechanisms appear. Behavior that teaches you to deal with the pain. Or behavior that wants to prevent this pain to happen in the future. However human and understandable these coping mechanisms are, they often bring people from bad to worse.

It is not easy to recognize your own coping mechanism. And considering that your relationship does not have so much safety and trust anymore, your partner is now also not the one to point out your coping mechanisms to you. Even your friends and family will not always be able to show them to you. They are too close. You can find out about your coping mechanisms with a therapist.

You want to start yourself? Map your coping behavior. Don't look for blame, cause or result. Look for your circle. Start with what bothers you the most. Just because in a circle you have to start somewhere and that will come to the foreground. That will be behavior A. What came before behavior A? And before that? and before that? En what comes after behavior A? And after that? And after that? Try to make the circle round (together with your partner)

Is this too difficult? Give yourself and your relation the benefit of support. That will save you from endlessly walking in the same circle.

Are your suffering from adultary, an affair, cheating, infidelity? Could you use some support?

A relationship counsellor can help you.

Cheating. Look at yourself honestly. How much time did you take to take care of your relationship? How often were you gone, or worse, physically present, but with your thoughts somewhere else, with work or other things.

Take the time for a true attentive conversation, really listen when you listen. Be there, be present at home.

The book "when good people have affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum might be a great support when you are in any way involved with an affair. The writer is a therapist and gives in this book a lot of insight in the how and why, different types of affairs and the possibilities to continue.

Find books from Esther Perel. She has a very interesting view on this subject.

When things are not going so well in your relationship, every annoyance will bring it further down.

Fortunately, the other way around is also true. Every positive action immediately has an influence. Try it out and you will see that the spiral will start to go up.

- The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship by D. Miguel Ruiz.
- Hold me tight by Dr. Sue Johnson